Sometimes I want to give up on everything. On school...on work...on coaching...on being a good person...on life!!! It took everything in me not to take off my seat belt and drive right into a telephone pole or a brick building. Things get so hard at times and I wonder why I even try. Lately it seems that every little thing is making me angry. Last week my anger went to a level that I haven't seen in years and I ended up hurting someone physically. I will live with what I did for the rest of my life.
The tears won't stop flowing. My mind continues to race a mile a minute. I feel so unstable..I feel like i can explode at anytime. I'm going to try to hold it together...for who? I don't know. But while I try and figure this shit out, for now, I am going to just sip on this wine and thank God for my health...my strength...my career...and everything that has brought me thus far.
Pray For Me.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Untitled
When it is all said and done all I have is me...
When day turns to night all I have is me...
When times get rough all I have is me...
When money gets short all i have me...
No matter how much family all i have is me...
No matter who says i'm their friend all i have is me...
No matter who says that they love me all i have is me...
I came in this world with just me...
I will leave this world with just me...
And even when there are many people around i feel like it's just me...
But sometimes just me isn't enough...
Sometimes just me hurts like hell...
Sometimes just me makes me cry...
When day turns to night all I have is me...
When times get rough all I have is me...
When money gets short all i have me...
No matter how much family all i have is me...
No matter who says i'm their friend all i have is me...
No matter who says that they love me all i have is me...
I came in this world with just me...
I will leave this world with just me...
And even when there are many people around i feel like it's just me...
But sometimes just me isn't enough...
Sometimes just me hurts like hell...
Sometimes just me makes me cry...
Thursday, July 30, 2009
LOVE SHIT
Here we go again. When people say "love hurts," they weren't lying. This LOVE SHIT is becoming too much for me. I'm new to this whole LOVE SHIT game. I mean I've had a connection or two, even a very strong like. But this time around, it's this LOVE SHIT. How do I know? Because I'm doing things that are so out of character for me. If I was on the outside of the situation looking at myself, I would say that I was stupid. I would call myself all kinds of stupid bitches and tell myself to get it together. I would criticize the hell out of me; I do it to others all the time. But I think that is because I've never had to deal with this LOVE SHIT.
This LOVE SHIT is cool when everything is going right. When we are both 'acting right.' It can be the best thing that has happened to you. But when there's a fuck up on one of our part, this LOVE SHIT can blow up in your face like a grenade (lately it's been like WWII). This LOVE SHIT has my head spinning and my heart hurting. The depth of sadness is often unbearable. The battle scars are unrepairable. But when the smoke clears that LOVE SHIT is still there. Now I'm at a crossroad, do I put up with this LOVE SHIT or do I tell this LOVE SHIT to kiss my ass?
Which of the sayings are true?:
When you love something you let it go.
OR
Fight for the one you love./Anything that is worth having is worth fighting for.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Wonderful People
I am slowly learning to appreciate the little things in life. I have some wonderful people in my life and I want them to know that I really appreciate the little things they do.
* Tina thanks for always keeping me positive and washing my clothes when I ask.
* Chavon thanks for always giving me positive affirmations.
* Jaime thanks for checking in on me even though your mega busy you still make sure I'm ok and that makes me feel special.
* V thanks for driving me crazy cause life would be boring without you.
* Nana thanks for listening to my craziness whenever I call. My Nana is the only person in this world that I feel that I can tell anything.
* Arthur thanks for always praying with me.
* Kiesha thanks for all the banging meals.
*Geri thanks for always treating me like family.
* Elicka thanks for putting up with my insaness. Its not easy living with me.
* Prophet thanks for always taking care of your mother. Even though I'm too young to be your real mother in my heart you are truly my son.
* Lena thanks for being such a loyal sister.
* Daddy thanks the endless advice and counseling.
* Mommy thanks for always looking out for my best interest.
* Jamie thanks for always listening to me and loving me.
I don't know where I would be without you wonderful people.
* Tina thanks for always keeping me positive and washing my clothes when I ask.
* Chavon thanks for always giving me positive affirmations.
* Jaime thanks for checking in on me even though your mega busy you still make sure I'm ok and that makes me feel special.
* V thanks for driving me crazy cause life would be boring without you.
* Nana thanks for listening to my craziness whenever I call. My Nana is the only person in this world that I feel that I can tell anything.
* Arthur thanks for always praying with me.
* Kiesha thanks for all the banging meals.
*Geri thanks for always treating me like family.
* Elicka thanks for putting up with my insaness. Its not easy living with me.
* Prophet thanks for always taking care of your mother. Even though I'm too young to be your real mother in my heart you are truly my son.
* Lena thanks for being such a loyal sister.
* Daddy thanks the endless advice and counseling.
* Mommy thanks for always looking out for my best interest.
* Jamie thanks for always listening to me and loving me.
I don't know where I would be without you wonderful people.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Withdrawal
def. : the act of taking back or away something that has been granted or possessed.
It has been 12 days since my last fix. I don't know what it is but, when I don't have that fix I start going crazy. For the first 5 days I had anxiety because the feeling was still fresh, I had just gotten a whiff and I was fiending for another trip. Then for then next 5 days I was scheming, thinking of ways to get back to where I was. I guess you can say I was chasing my "high". And now I'm depressed...I need my fix...I am soooo unhappy...I NEED MY FIX....I need to go to the mall.
I miss the mall so much. I know it sounds crazy but shopping can be a serious addiction. And the crazy thig is while I am trying to fight the urge, all of my favorite stores keep sending me coupons and emails. As if they were saying, "we miss you, come back and play." Now granted I am not as bad as most but I still have a love for shopping. I need to go to the mall at least once a week in order to feel satisfied. So I researched the topic of "Shopaholism," I discovered that I might be classified as a Shopaholic.
Classification of a Shopaholic would include:
~ Hiding Purchases (Never)
~ Spending Over Budget (Ummm a lil...Sometimes)
~ Compulsive Buying (I don't think so...what do you think?)
~ Shopping or spending money as a result of feeling angry, depressed, anxious, or lonely. (Oh
Yes...when I'm sad, I spend)
~ Describing a rush or a feeling of euphoria with spending (The best feeling ever)
~ Thinking obsessively about money (Doesn't everyone)
~ Spending a lot of time juggling accounts or bills to accommodate spending (Uh No...Bills first
shopping second)
(http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/shopping-spree-addiction)
Soooo is it a HOBBY or an ADDICTION???
It has been 12 days since my last fix. I don't know what it is but, when I don't have that fix I start going crazy. For the first 5 days I had anxiety because the feeling was still fresh, I had just gotten a whiff and I was fiending for another trip. Then for then next 5 days I was scheming, thinking of ways to get back to where I was. I guess you can say I was chasing my "high". And now I'm depressed...I need my fix...I am soooo unhappy...I NEED MY FIX....I need to go to the mall.
I miss the mall so much. I know it sounds crazy but shopping can be a serious addiction. And the crazy thig is while I am trying to fight the urge, all of my favorite stores keep sending me coupons and emails. As if they were saying, "we miss you, come back and play." Now granted I am not as bad as most but I still have a love for shopping. I need to go to the mall at least once a week in order to feel satisfied. So I researched the topic of "Shopaholism," I discovered that I might be classified as a Shopaholic.
Classification of a Shopaholic would include:
~ Hiding Purchases (Never)
~ Spending Over Budget (Ummm a lil...Sometimes)
~ Compulsive Buying (I don't think so...what do you think?)
~ Shopping or spending money as a result of feeling angry, depressed, anxious, or lonely. (Oh
Yes...when I'm sad, I spend)
~ Describing a rush or a feeling of euphoria with spending (The best feeling ever)
~ Thinking obsessively about money (Doesn't everyone)
~ Spending a lot of time juggling accounts or bills to accommodate spending (Uh No...Bills first
shopping second)
(http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/shopping-spree-addiction)
Soooo is it a HOBBY or an ADDICTION???
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Gay Marriages
I really do not know where I stand on this topic. Last week I was sitting at my 1st Gay wedding. Now if this was 10 years ago I would probably be trying to burn the couple at the stake. I sure have come along way.
I also found this website that makes reference to the bible and gay marriages. And while the Bible does address homosexuality, it does not explicitly mention gay marriage/same-sex marriage. It is clear, however, that the Bible condemns homosexuality as an immoral and unnatural sin. Here's the website:
Who determines whether the union of same sex couple's is right or not. Currently each individual state determines whether or not to legalized marriage. But isn't marriage sanctified my God? Does the government have the right to make this determination? The following link discusses what the government is currently saying about Gay marriages:
I also found this website that makes reference to the bible and gay marriages. And while the Bible does address homosexuality, it does not explicitly mention gay marriage/same-sex marriage. It is clear, however, that the Bible condemns homosexuality as an immoral and unnatural sin. Here's the website:
While we can read the above and make our own determination on the topic, one thing that I am a firm believer in is happiness. And if a person is truly happy then that is all that matters. Congratulations Janae and La Shonda!!! I'm glad that I was able to be apart of your wedding. All the Best!!!
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Never felt like this before
Somewhere around 7 years ago, i met this guy, let's call him JL. And some where within those 7 years I feel head overheels in love with him. I mean 'cupid shot me with an arrow in love.' We never began a real relationship but we've spent pockets of time together. JL and I were like best friends. The problem was that i could never get him to stay around for more than a few months at a time. But I wasn't sweating it, we were young and we both were having fun.
Sometimes I sit and wonder, "why do I love him so much?" And I can't come up with a definitive answer...I just know that I do. A good friend told me that when you can't explain it, that's when you know its real. But I couldn't really read him, I didn't exactly know if he reciprocated my feelings.
Over the last 3 years our pockets of time started to dwindle. So, I decided to give someone else a chance. While this other guy was perfect on paper and a really great guy that any girl would be lucky to have, my heart still screamed for JL. So, I had to let this amazing guy go because it wouldn't be fair for me to string him along. And I waited alone for my JL to come back to me.
And recently he did and it was good. A lot of drama in the mist of everything, his grandma died and I separated myself from my mother etc. I was there for him and he was there for me. At this point I knew that we had something special. I just didn't know if he felt what I felt. After a few weeks I started to feel him pulling away from me. He stopped calling, stopped answering when I called and tried to completely shut me out. JL had done this before but this time I WASN'T HAVING IT. I called and called and called until finally he decided to answer the phone. It was then that we finally had the talk. At first he was beating around the bush, he would say things like, "we just can't be together" or "I'm just looking out for you" or my favorite, "I'm a man that would never do anything to hurt you." I wasn't hearing any of that, I wanted to know why he didn't want me. Was I too fat? Not pretty enough? Too loud? Too pushy, too spoiled, too accomplished? Do you feel like you don't measure up? Is it that I don't measure up? The questions were going through my head a mile a minute. After much pushing and prodding, he told me. All this time, what was standing between my happiness was revealed.
I love JL with every ounce of my being. And me pushing him to the edge caused him to shut down even more. He still won't talk to me. You see his reasons had nothing to do with me being inadequate, it had to do with his own personal issues. I never considered his feelings or what he might be going through, I was selfish.
Through the whole ordeal I realized that I have never felt like this before. I have never felt this love for a person and I have never felt this kind of pain. I hope that one day he will find his way back to me and my unconditional love. He and I are the true definition of soul mates.
Sometimes I sit and wonder, "why do I love him so much?" And I can't come up with a definitive answer...I just know that I do. A good friend told me that when you can't explain it, that's when you know its real. But I couldn't really read him, I didn't exactly know if he reciprocated my feelings.
Over the last 3 years our pockets of time started to dwindle. So, I decided to give someone else a chance. While this other guy was perfect on paper and a really great guy that any girl would be lucky to have, my heart still screamed for JL. So, I had to let this amazing guy go because it wouldn't be fair for me to string him along. And I waited alone for my JL to come back to me.
And recently he did and it was good. A lot of drama in the mist of everything, his grandma died and I separated myself from my mother etc. I was there for him and he was there for me. At this point I knew that we had something special. I just didn't know if he felt what I felt. After a few weeks I started to feel him pulling away from me. He stopped calling, stopped answering when I called and tried to completely shut me out. JL had done this before but this time I WASN'T HAVING IT. I called and called and called until finally he decided to answer the phone. It was then that we finally had the talk. At first he was beating around the bush, he would say things like, "we just can't be together" or "I'm just looking out for you" or my favorite, "I'm a man that would never do anything to hurt you." I wasn't hearing any of that, I wanted to know why he didn't want me. Was I too fat? Not pretty enough? Too loud? Too pushy, too spoiled, too accomplished? Do you feel like you don't measure up? Is it that I don't measure up? The questions were going through my head a mile a minute. After much pushing and prodding, he told me. All this time, what was standing between my happiness was revealed.
I love JL with every ounce of my being. And me pushing him to the edge caused him to shut down even more. He still won't talk to me. You see his reasons had nothing to do with me being inadequate, it had to do with his own personal issues. I never considered his feelings or what he might be going through, I was selfish.
Through the whole ordeal I realized that I have never felt like this before. I have never felt this love for a person and I have never felt this kind of pain. I hope that one day he will find his way back to me and my unconditional love. He and I are the true definition of soul mates.
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