Never felt like this before

Somewhere around 7 years ago, i met this guy, let's call him JL. And some where within those 7 years I feel head overheels in love with him. I mean 'cupid shot me with an arrow in love.' We never began a real relationship but we've spent pockets of time together. JL and I were like best friends. The problem was that i could never get him to stay around for more than a few months at a time. But I wasn't sweating it, we were young and we both were having fun.

Sometimes I sit and wonder, "why do I love him so much?" And I can't come up with a definitive answer...I just know that I do. A good friend told me that when you can't explain it, that's when you know its real. But I couldn't really read him, I didn't exactly know if he reciprocated my feelings.

Over the last 3 years our pockets of time started to dwindle. So, I decided to give someone else a chance. While this other guy was perfect on paper and a really great guy that any girl would be lucky to have, my heart still screamed for JL. So, I had to let this amazing guy go because it wouldn't be fair for me to string him along. And I waited alone for my JL to come back to me.

And recently he did and it was good. A lot of drama in the mist of everything, his grandma died and I separated myself from my mother etc. I was there for him and he was there for me. At this point I knew that we had something special. I just didn't know if he felt what I felt. After a few weeks I started to feel him pulling away from me. He stopped calling, stopped answering when I called and tried to completely shut me out. JL had done this before but this time I WASN'T HAVING IT. I called and called and called until finally he decided to answer the phone. It was then that we finally had the talk. At first he was beating around the bush, he would say things like, "we just can't be together" or "I'm just looking out for you" or my favorite, "I'm a man that would never do anything to hurt you." I wasn't hearing any of that, I wanted to know why he didn't want me. Was I too fat? Not pretty enough? Too loud? Too pushy, too spoiled, too accomplished? Do you feel like you don't measure up? Is it that I don't measure up? The questions were going through my head a mile a minute. After much pushing and prodding, he told me. All this time, what was standing between my happiness was revealed.

I love JL with every ounce of my being. And me pushing him to the edge caused him to shut down even more. He still won't talk to me. You see his reasons had nothing to do with me being inadequate, it had to do with his own personal issues. I never considered his feelings or what he might be going through, I was selfish.

Through the whole ordeal I realized that I have never felt like this before. I have never felt this love for a person and I have never felt this kind of pain. I hope that one day he will find his way back to me and my unconditional love. He and I are the true definition of soul mates.