SIX DOWN

Damn it’s been over five month and the pain still cuts deep like a knife. They say it takes at least half of the time you were together to get over a person. So I guess it will take me about 3 1/2 years to get over this. So I guess that's 6 month down and 36 more to go. For the most part, I'm fine. It’s just isolated periods when I reminisce on the time we shared. And I always wonder, does he ever think about me? Does he cherish the same memories that I do? Does he even think about me at all? Probably not.

I know most of you are thinking: "What the fuck is wrong with Cotton?" She is the strongest female I know. But the inside scoop is that I was raised not to love. I was raised that men would break your heart every time and this was taught to me by the males in my family. So, for a long time I didn't love. I never let guys get close to me because I thought they were all just plotting to break my heart.

But, this one guy, I just didn't have a choice. For me, it was love at first site. And that love turned disastrous. And my uncles were right. He broke my heart. I'm dealing with the situation to the best of my ability but this shit just hurts.

I have faith the one day the tears will stop. One day the pain will go away. One day I will no longer love him. But right now I still do. I guess it hurts so much because he's my first and only love. He is the only person that I have given my heart to. And what scares me the most is that he may be the last.

I trusted him so much and I felt like I was betrayed. Now, I trust no one. My heart is very fragile so I just cut everyone out.

Give Up

Sometimes I want to give up on everything. On school...on work...on coaching...on being a good person...on life!!! It took everything in me not to take off my seat belt and drive right into a telephone pole or a brick building. Things get so hard at times and I wonder why I even try. Lately it seems that every little thing is making me angry. Last week my anger went to a level that I haven't seen in years and I ended up hurting someone physically. I will live with what I did for the rest of my life.

The tears won't stop flowing. My mind continues to race a mile a minute. I feel so unstable..I feel like i can explode at anytime. I'm going to try to hold it together...for who? I don't know. But while I try and figure this shit out, for now, I am going to just sip on this wine and thank God for my health...my strength...my career...and everything that has brought me thus far.

Pray For Me.

Fabolout ft. Jay-Z - When the Money Goes

I love this song...

Untitled

When it is all said and done all I have is me...
When day turns to night all I have is me...
When times get rough all I have is me...
When money gets short all i have me...
No matter how much family all i have is me...
No matter who says i'm their friend all i have is me...
No matter who says that they love me all i have is me...
I came in this world with just me...
I will leave this world with just me...
And even when there are many people around i feel like it's just me...
But sometimes just me isn't enough...
Sometimes just me hurts like hell...
Sometimes just me makes me cry...

LOVE SHIT

Here we go again. When people say "love hurts," they weren't lying.  This LOVE SHIT is becoming too much for me.  I'm new to this whole LOVE SHIT game. I mean I've had a connection or two, even a very strong like.  But this time around, it's this LOVE SHIT.  How do I know? Because I'm doing things that are so out of character for me. If I was on the outside of the situation looking at myself, I would say that I was stupid. I would call myself all kinds of stupid bitches and tell myself to get it together.  I would criticize the hell out of me; I do it to others all the time. But I think that is because I've never had to deal with this LOVE SHIT.

This LOVE SHIT is cool when everything is going right. When we are both 'acting right.'  It can be the best thing that has happened to you.  But when there's a fuck up on one of our part, this LOVE SHIT can blow up in your face like a grenade (lately it's been like WWII).  This LOVE SHIT has my head spinning and my heart hurting.  The depth of sadness is often unbearable. The battle scars are unrepairable. But when the smoke clears that LOVE SHIT is still there. Now I'm at a crossroad, do I put up with this LOVE SHIT or do I tell this LOVE SHIT to kiss my ass?   

Which of the sayings are true?:

When you love something you let it go.

OR

Fight for the one you love./Anything that is worth having is worth fighting for.

Wonderful People

I am slowly learning to appreciate the little things in life. I have some wonderful people in my life and I want them to know that I really appreciate the little things they do.

* Tina thanks for always keeping me positive and washing my clothes when I ask.

* Chavon thanks for always giving me positive affirmations.

* Jaime thanks for checking in on me even though your mega busy you still make sure I'm ok and that makes me feel special.

* V thanks for driving me crazy cause life would be boring without you.

* Nana thanks for listening to my craziness whenever I call. My Nana is the only person in this world that I feel that I can tell anything.

* Arthur thanks for always praying with me.

* Kiesha thanks for all the banging meals.

*Geri thanks for always treating me like family.

* Elicka thanks for putting up with my insaness. Its not easy living with me.

* Prophet thanks for always taking care of your mother. Even though I'm too young to be your real mother in my heart you are truly my son.

* Lena thanks for being such a loyal sister.

* Daddy thanks the endless advice and counseling.

* Mommy thanks for always looking out for my best interest.

* Jamie thanks for always listening to me and loving me.

I don't know where I would be without you wonderful people.

Withdrawal

def. : the act of taking back or away something that has been granted or possessed.

It has been 12 days since my last fix. I don't know what it is but, when I don't have that fix I start going crazy. For the first 5 days I had anxiety because the feeling was still fresh, I had just gotten a whiff and I was fiending for another trip. Then for then next 5 days I was scheming, thinking of ways to get back to where I was. I guess you can say I was chasing my "high". And now I'm depressed...I need my fix...I am soooo unhappy...I NEED MY FIX....I need to go to the mall.

I miss the mall so much. I know it sounds crazy but shopping can be a serious addiction. And the crazy thig is while I am trying to fight the urge, all of my favorite stores keep sending me coupons and emails. As if they were saying, "we miss you, come back and play." Now granted I am not as bad as most but I still have a love for shopping. I need to go to the mall at least once a week in order to feel satisfied. So I researched the topic of "Shopaholism," I discovered that I might be classified as a Shopaholic.

Classification of a Shopaholic would include:
~ Hiding Purchases (Never)
~ Spending Over Budget (Ummm a lil...Sometimes)
~ Compulsive Buying (I don't think so...what do you think?)
~ Shopping or spending money as a result of feeling angry, depressed, anxious, or lonely. (Oh
Yes...when I'm sad, I spend)
~ Describing a rush or a feeling of euphoria with spending (The best feeling ever)
~ Thinking obsessively about money (Doesn't everyone)
~ Spending a lot of time juggling accounts or bills to accommodate spending (Uh No...Bills first
shopping second)
(http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/shopping-spree-addiction)

Soooo is it a HOBBY or an ADDICTION???